


The Art of Flirting

by Rainbow_Volcano



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Denial of Feelings, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, M/M, Pining, Post-Time Skip, edelgard is a badass, ferdinand von aegir is a himbo, golden route I guess?, goldilocks voice: this Hubert is TOO SOFT, mentions of Claude von Riegan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29129928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbow_Volcano/pseuds/Rainbow_Volcano
Summary: Ferdinand decides he needs to be better at flirting. For the Empire, of course, to understand an ancient and practical form of communication. NOT to deepen his relationship with Hubert. Of course not.He asks Dorothea to teach him, and since she’s gotten similar requests from Edelgard, she agrees to teach them both, along with her teacher’s assistant Hilda. Things…don’t go as planned for Ferdinand von Aegir.Written for Ferdinand Week 2021 Day 4: Hair/Loneliness
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir & Dorothea Arnault, Ferdinand von Aegir & Edelgard von Hresvelg, Ferdinand von Aegir & Hilda Valentine Goneril, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 14
Kudos: 81
Collections: Ferdinand Week 2021





	The Art of Flirting

**Author's Note:**

> I thought a lot of writers would go for the angst angle and pick 'loneliness', so I wanted to brighten things up with a wacky, trashy and fun fic. This is extremely self-indulgent, which is perhaps why Hubert is so soft.  
> This story is probably post CF but Hilda and Claude are here for some reason? Don't think about it too hard. I just wanted them to have some wholesome and stupid interactions these kids deserve a break.

“Dorothea, you simply _must_ teach me how to flirt!” Ferdinand declared.

Dorothea gave him a sideways look. “What?”

“It is for the Empire, you see. Watching you in action, I have come to the conclusion that flirting is an incredibly powerful form of communication. One that is ancient, and should be more respected!”

She blinked at him again. He decided to use his hands to help illustrate his point, gesticulating wildly every which way. “I have seen you sway the stubbornest of minds with but a rise in pitch or a quirk of your lips! If I could learn that as well, just think of the progress we could make!”

Ferdinand paused, then looked over at Hubert, who was at the far corner of the ballroom pretending to nurse a glass of champagne. Hubert caught him staring, their eyes connected, and Ferdinand looked away again quickly.

Dorothea was beginning to understand some things.

“Please teach me?” He asked again. “It is for the welfare of our nation!”

Dorothea smirked. “What will you offer me in return?”

Ferdinand faltered. “Erm…whatever payment you deem necessary. Tea, perhaps? Or a new tea set? Perhaps you would enjoy custom jewelry, I know a lovely jeweler…”

Dorothea took pity on him. “Tell you what, Ferdie, I’ve got someone else who asked me to do the same thing for them. Why don’t I start a class, and teach the two of you together? You can figure out a payment for me afterwards.”

He sighed in relief, then inhaled a large breath of excitement. “Thank you! I promise you will not regret your decision!”

* * *

Ferdinand walked into the designated drawing room for Dorothea’s class, but she looked already as if she regretted her decision.

“Ferdie!” she called as he entered. “Thank goodness. Now we can finally start.”

Ferdinand surveyed the room. Dorothea had set up a chalkboard on wheels that she stood in front of. He was surprised to find Hilda and Edelgard also in attendance. Hilda had found a comfortable chaise lounge and was inspecting her nails, while Edelgard stood in front of Dorothea. Edelgard had fashioned a table into a desk, complete with her old school notebooks and a plethora of quill pens. Should Ferdinand have come more prepared?

“Ferdinand,” Edelgard greeted. “Good, Dorothea was telling me that I was ‘far too intense’. Your competitive nature will help keep me on my toes.”

He wasn’t certain if that was a compliment or not.

Dorothea sighed. “Everyone, please take a seat. Enough one-on-one grilling, Edie, you have to be patient now.”

Edelgard took a seat on the couch behind where she’d set up her notebooks and Ferdinand took a seat next to her. He’d brought a small notebook and one pen, which he’d thought overkill at the time, but next to Edelgard, he felt his competitive spirit flicker up to a small ember.

Dorothea walked to the front of the chalkboard. “Thank you for attending ‘The Art of Flirting’, presented by yours truly. Please thank my lovely teacher’s assistant, Hilda. She had to be bribed to be here.”

Hilda frowned. “Hey, don’t make it seem like I’m not here to support my friends! I’m very hard to bribe, you know.”

Ferdinand said, “That is not accurate” at the same time Edelgard said, “That’s a lie.”

Hilda stared at them, then sighed. “Okay, fine, you guys got me.”

Dorothea picked up a piece of chalk and set to work.

“Today is about basics and a generic overview of complicated maneuvers that require more finesse. Once you’ve mastered the basics, we’ll go into the complicated topics in more detail. Sound good?”

Ferdinand and Edelgard nodded. They felt like they were back in school again. It was nostalgic, taking diligent notes, learning something new from someone qualified. Edelgard’s handwriting was empirical, neat, but Ferdinand prided himself on his letters that looked more akin to calligraphy. Already he was a better student again.

“Okay, so,” Dorothea began. “The first thing to remember when flirting is that it’s all about the other person. You want to make them feel good by any means necessary.”

Both Ferdinand and Edelgard dutifully wrote, “any means necessary”. Dorothea watched them, and feared her words would be taken to terrifying extremes by these two.

“Our bodies are natural weapons. People are biologically drawn to soft, round things, so it’s good to accentuate those parts of your body. That includes shoulders, tits, and ass.”

Ferdinand blushed. He raised a tentative hand. “Professor Dorothea?”

“Oh no, Ferdie, this absolutely applies to you.”

He felt saliva choke his throat. “I, uh…I do not believe, that is…”

Hilda groaned. “Ugh, don’t even go there! Your ass is way better than mine. So not fair. And your tits are huge! Gah, it’s like you were chiseled from an ancient statue.”

Ferdinand blushed harder.

“You could be too, Hilda, if you applied yourself more diligently towards training,” Edelgard countered. Hilda laughed.

“Moving on,” Dorothea refocused. “I’m going to teach you the most important part of flirting.” Dorothea turned back towards the chalkboard, and in large, neat letters, wrote out:

HAIR

Ferdinand wouldn’t have guessed hair played any sort of role in flirting. He hadn’t ever really tried it himself, but he’d always assumed flirting was about quips and wit, or that those who were successful flirts simply had different genetics in them.

He thought back to the various ladies he’d met in high society, thought to them twirling a loose curl around their finger like swirling a spoon in a teacup.

He thought to Hubert threading his fingers through his black bangs more often when Ferdinand was around. He thought to their late nights filing paperwork together when Ferdinand would tied up his hair with a ribbon and catch Hubert staring at him, seemingly for no reason.

Perhaps Dorothea was onto something.

“This is _the_ most important thing you will learn. If you remember nothing else from today, remember your hair. Flirting is worthless without hair.”

Hilda added, “That’s so true. Hair was invented so humans could flirt.”

Neither Edelgard nor Ferdinand felt that was entirely true, but they wrote it down anyways.

“First, I’m going to do a demonstration. Hilda, if you would be so kind?”

Hilda jumped up from the chaise lounge and assumed the role of flirtee. She pretended to look bored and disinterested, which wasn’t difficult for her to do.

“Watch my approach,” Dorothea instructed. “For this first one, I’m going to ignore my hair entirely. Tell me what you notice.” She approached Hilda, her head completely still and level. She opened with a playful and sultry “hey, beautiful”, but Hilda paid her no mind, yawning into her hand. It was painful to watch.

“You did not move your head in the slightest,” Ferdinand said.

“You looked as if you didn’t want to be there,” Edelgard supplied.

Dorothea looked pleased. “Good! Good, I’m so glad.” She walked back towards the blackboard to set up her second approach. “Okay, now watch this one. I’m going to use my hair a lot. Tell me if you guys see a difference.”

The difference was night and day. Instantly, Dorothea seemed more open, approachable, and fun. She leaned her head to the side, allowing one side of her hair to fall prettily over her shoulder and catch a bit of the afternoon sunlight. This time, as she spoke her line, delivered with the exact same pitch, cadence, and tone, she grabbed a section of her hair and tugged it.

Hilda reacted immediately, almost unwillingly, and smiled back. She gave a pretty smile and leaned her cheek into her hand, letting her bangs tilt to the side. “Hey there, cutie,” she replied, matching Dorothea’s tone.

Ferdinand was astonished. Just a moment ago, Hilda looked as if she’d rather be anywhere else. But just by using her hair, Dorothea had completely seized Hilda’s attention and held it captive in her hands.

“You have ensnared her,” Ferdinand noted.

Edelgard agreed. “You were able to accentuate your other features, as well. Tilting your head showed off both your round cheeks and your round shoulders.”

“It was as if you shot four birds with one arrow,” Ferdinand continued.

Dorothea beamed. She was proud of her little students. “Yes! Exactly! You guys are quick studies. Well done.”

Ferdinand and Edelgard straightened at the praise.

“There’s no end to the things you can do with your hair. Flip it, play with it, twist it, twirl it, comb it back, let it down,” Dorothea said.

“When you get more comfortable, you can ask them to braid it for you, or pretend your comb got stuck and ask them for help,” Hilda supplied. “The two of you have such long, pretty hair. The fact that you’re not using it is honestly such a waste.”

“It’s a crime,” Dorothea agreed. Ferdinand and Edelgard reached hands up to their hair, self-conscious. They both had always taken excellent care of their hair, but they’d thought that was the end of it. They hadn’t realized it could be a weapon.

Dorothea took a moment to study her students. They were frantically writing down summaries of her demonstrations, with a zeal that made her want to laugh. Neither of them knew how to do anything halfway.

Which got her thinking. Edelgard had been very upfront with her feelings, grilling Dorothea for specific tactics to use on her crush before class had even started. But Ferdinand was running from his feelings. It was unusual for him to run from anything, much less a challenge, and certainly not Hubert of all people. Perhaps he needed a little push.

She waited for them to come to a lull in their notes before she began again. “Alright, now let’s do some application questions.”

Ferdinand nodded attentively. Good. “Ferdie, I want you to picture this for me: you’re letting someone braid your hair. What are some obstacles that could arise?”

Ferdinand brought a hand up to his chin, deep in thought. “Hmm, well I suppose it would be difficult to braid hair with gloves on. But could I ask him to take them off? That seems a bit presumptuous, I would not wish to pressure Hubert.”

_Hubert._

Six eyes widened. Hilda’s hand flew to her mouth and clapped against it.

Ferdinand stopped and saw the shock on their faces. “What is it? Have I said something odd?”

They continued to stare at him. _Hubert_.

“Wait!” Ferdinand cried. His face bloomed crimson, realization smacking him in the face like a solid right hook. “Wait, it isn’t—it is not—it’s not like that!”

Three mischievous grins surrounded him.

“This isn’t—I was just filling in the hypothetical! Dorothea was the one who mentioned Hubert!”

“Nope, I didn’t say any names.”

“You-you didn’t? Surely you must have…I could have sworn…” Ferdinand no longer had any legs to stand on.

“You decided who it was all on your own,” Hilda said evilly, shrugging to feign nonchalance.

“You all have the wrong impression!” he insisted, floundering. “This is not…I am learning to flirt for the sake of the Empire! My goal is altruistic, not personal!”

Dorothea said nothing, merely raising a single, skeptical eyebrow.

“Lie to us all you want,” Hilda said. “But you shouldn’t lie to yourself.”

“It is not a lie!” Ferdinand insisted. “It is true! I wish to use these skills to benefit Adrestia.”

Dorothea and Hilda tried a bit more to get Ferdinand to budge on the stance, insisting that they could help him, but he refused. Edelgard was quiet, forming her next words carefully.

Finally, she spoke: “I am mature enough to admit when I have feelings for someone. I’m surprised you aren’t. I thought your skills great enough to rival mine, but I suppose I am simply beyond your level. It’s a shame.”

Dorothea and Hilda shared a look, eyes wide and grins splitting.

Ferdinand would not stand for being less than Edelgard, and _certainly_ not in matters of maturity. He’d grown out of that. He perhaps could never match her worldly wisdom, gleaned from a horrific childhood, but that was all the more reason not to allow her to show him up here.

“Very well, then,” he said finally. “I am not too immature to recognize my own emotions. I did join this class so I could benefit the Empire. But there is also another reason.” He sighed, and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, his shame was erased by determination. “I am in love with Hubert. I admire everything about him, from the tenacity of his convictions to the way his bangs curl in humidity. He is a wonderful man, but he never allows anyone to see it. I only wish there was a place for me in his heart, no matter how small.”

The girls were taken aback. They had requested honesty, but Ferdinand’s speech went far beyond. It was raw, and poignant, and it plucked at a string inside their hearts.

Edelgard crossed her arms and nodded. “Well, you have my blessing.”

Ferdinand felt a small amount of self-consciousness. “I hadn’t realized I was requesting such a thing.”

“Oh,” Dorothea breathed. “Well, I did make a promise, after all…”

“Promise?” Ferdinand asked.

“Oh! Uh, my promise to help you two improve through my class.” Her voice wavered suspiciously, but no one decided to press the issue.

Dorothea walked back to the chalkboard and picked up a piece of chalk. “Okay, Ferdie, we’re gonna help you get closer to Hubie. I think this class is small enough that I can tailor my lessons specifically to my students.”

Ferdinand was touched. “Dorothea, I…thank you. Thank you to all of you. You have my deepest gratitude.”

“Tell me what techniques you’ve tried so far,” Dorothea instructed. “And how well they seem to be working.”

Ferdinand explained that he hadn’t a clue what was well received and what wasn’t, but that he was always genuine and cheerful around Hubert, and that he purchased regular gifts for him. Dorothea wrote out a list on the blackboard. Hilda and Edelgard seemed to be getting quite a kick out of Ferdinand’s tales, but Dorothea took in the information professionally.

After he was finished, she pressed the chalk to her face in thought, leaving behind a smudge.

“That’s pretty good so far,” Hilda noted. “You know, considering the fact that you’re in this class.”

“Your compliments are as backhanded as ever,” Ferdinand noted dryly. Edelgard stifled a laugh.

Dorothea set down the chalk. “Okay, I think we can work with this. All you need is to be a bit more explicit, let Hubie know it’s okay for him to flirt back.”

Edelgard burst out a short laugh. “Forgive me, but…the image of Hubert flirting is priceless. Ferdinand, you have given me perhaps the greatest gift I have ever received.”

Edelgard was very skilled at saying things that seemed neither like insult nor compliment.

“Ferdie, I want you to watch me closely and do _exactly_ as I do, okay? Hilda, you stand in for Hubie,” said Dorothea.

“Yes!” Hilda fist-pumped the air. She scrambled for a free chair, dragged it over, and hopped on. “Ferdinand, you sure know how to pick em! I’m glad you don’t have a crush on Lorenz; he’s a lot of work to impersonate.”

Ferdinand prepped his notes, staring intently at Dorothea as she altered her hairstyle to more closely resemble his. Hilda did something similar, draping a handkerchief over one eye and gleaming menacingly.

Dorothea pantomimed opening a door, and flipping her hair as she did. It brought immediate attention to her hair, which Ferdinand noted quickly.

“Hubert,” she greeted, her voice a bit low. “I am very pleased to see you.”

Edelgard snorted a laugh at Dorothea’s impression of Ferdinand’s voice. It was quite good.

“I had a very…long…report that I wished to discuss with you,” Dorothea continued. She twisted a finger around a lock of her hair. “If it would be pleasurable for you.”

Ferdinand rolled his eyes. Dorothea’s tactics were far more than just ‘a bit’ explicit, as she had put earlier. Even a novice like Ferdinand knew exactly what she was hinting at.

Hilda cleared her throat, coughing, then turned it into a low, menacing growl. “I always find you pleasurable, Ferdinand,” Hilda replied, voice deep but tone amused.

Ferdinand found himself blushing.

Edelgard giggled. “That’s _perfect_ ,” she praised, wiping a tear from her eye. “Hilda, you should be an actress. You sound exactly like him.”

Hilda, a bit caught up in the praise, announced, “I’ll cut a bloody path!”

Edelgard continued laughing, and Ferdinand could picture Hubert saying those words on the battlefield, hand alight with purple miasma. He marveled at the things Hilda could accomplish if she simply applied herself more.

“Hubert,” Dorothea continued, pretending still to be Ferdinand. “This is a delicate matter.” She swept her bangs out of her face, and stared directly into Hilda’s exposed eye. “It requires great precision.”

Hilda gulped. “Ferdinand,” she breathed. “What are you suggesting?”

While Edelgard was barely holding back her laughter, Ferdinand was completely enraptured in the scenario. He could picture it clearly: a late night, Hubert having just stood from his desk, his tired eyes glowing gently. And Ferdinand, rolling his hair through his fingers, Hubert’s eyes caught on the way it moved and glistened in the moonlight. He felt his heart racing.

Dorothea took another step towards Hilda, as close as she could get with the chair in the way. She reached up to the handkerchief and brushed it aside caressingly. Ferdinand could use not just his own hair, but Hubert’s as well.

“What I want,” she whispered. Hilda leaned in over her—no one was sure if it was voluntary or subconscious at this point. Their lips were close enough to kiss if either moved a fraction more.

“…is for you to blend my Southern Fruit.”

Edelgard burst out laughing, rolling off of the couch and onto the floor. It broke the tension between the actors, pulling them out of the scene. Even Hilda thought the line was a little ridiculous.

Ferdinand, however, found his head completely devoid of thought. He was like a machine that had just stopped working, lost all will to do so. Vaguely he felt fire all over his body, but it was far off. He wondered if jumping out of the window was a valid response to whatever had happened.

“I think you broke Ferdinand,” Hilda noted. She hopped off the chair and waved her hand in front of Ferdinand’s face. He didn’t so much as blink.

Dorothea frowned, worried that she’d gone too far. She’d admit it wasn’t exactly a phrase that could work in every situation. “It is your favorite tea, isn’t it? Southern Fruit Blend? Surely Hubert knows that. He’ll get the reference.”

Ferdinand’s brain began to work again. “That…no,” he finally said.

“No?” Dorothea asked.

“No.” Ferdinand dragged a hand through his hair. “How could you suggest that!?” he demanded. He was beginning to feel the heat closer on his body. “Even if—even if I possessed the audacity to say such a thing,” he began. He swallowed to combat the dryness in his mouth. “How could you possibly think Hubert would find it anything other than revolting? It would never work.”

“Oh, it would work,” Edelgard countered. She gathered herself from off the floor and sat next to Ferdinand. “I don’t know Hubert’s tastes all that well, but I’d bet you anything it would work.”

Ferdinand blushed harder. Dorothea’s eyes widened, smiling, and Hilda let out a scandalized giggle.

Ferdinand shook his head. “This whole thing is ridiculous!” he shouted, throwing his hands into the air. He sighed. “This is hopeless. I will never court Hubert.”

Dorothea, Edelgard, and Hilda exchanged glances. After Ferdinand’s heartfelt confession, it seemed wrong to allow him to give up quite so easily. It seemed wrong for Ferdinand von Aegir to give up anything quite so easily. Hubert really had done a number on him.

“Ferdie,” Dorothea began. “Listen, if you’re not ready to do something bold, you don’t have to. You can just start small, okay?”

He looked up at them. “Yeah!” Hilda continued. “Why waste all that energy, right? You shouldn’t push yourself too hard, especially not too soon.”

“Don’t tell me you’re giving up before me,” Edelgard said. “You’re really going to let yourself lose to Hubert like this?” Her face softened as she said, quietly, “He’ll wait for you.”

Ferdinand looked each of them in their eyes, and felt something in his heart soar. Bolstered by his friends, supported by them, he knew he could accomplish anything.

“You all make excellent points,” he said, voice rousing and secured. “I will achieve nothing by giving up! Who do I think I am, anyways? I am Ferdinand von Aegir!” He stood, triumphant. “And I will give everything I have to courting Hubert!”

Dorothea laughed. “I thought you said you were in my class to help benefit the empire?”

But before Ferdinand could respond, the door to the drawing room swung open.

Hubert stood in the doorway.

“Lady Edelgard, I have the tax reports you requested,” Hubert said. He saw the others in the room. “Ah, hello Dorothea, Hilda. Ferdinand. I did not realize you were all here.” He stopped, and saw them all frozen stiff, noticed the peculiar way all of the blood drained from Ferdinand’s face. “…Am I interrupting something?”

“Hubert!” Ferdinand screeched, throat thin and cracking. He rushed over to Hubert, nearly tripping on air, hoping to block the view of the chalkboard. “Hubert, why, what a pleasant surprise! It is most fortuitous to see you! We were not discussing you, nor anything at all! We were simply together in this room, discussing absolutely nothing!”

Inwardly, Dorothea and Hilda cringed.

“Prime Minister, of your many flaws, I do believe lying is your most egregious one,” Hubert said. His face was scathing, but his tone was light. Dorothea and Hilda weren’t sure what to make of it, but Ferdinand breathed a sigh of relief.

“Forgive me,” he said, with a bit of a laugh. “We cannot all be as vicious as the Minister of the Imperial Household, now can we?”

Hilda thought for certain Hubert would take it an insult, but to her complete astonishment, a teeny tiny smile, warm and light, graced his sharp cheeks. “That sounds curiously like surrender.”

Dorothea coughed surreptitiously, grabbing Ferdinand’s attention, and tugged discreetly on a clump of hair. She turned it into a stretch when she caught Hubert watching.

 _Right_ , Ferdinand thought, _I have weapons now_. But which should he use first? Did different hair techniques have proper timing, proper implementation? Were there ones that carried more risk than others at a given time? Should he twist his hair or twirl it? What was the difference? And could he flirt brazenly with such a large audience, or did that make it safer? There was still far too much to learn!

Dorothea coughed at him again, more pointedly, but he wasn’t sure which to try. He’d have asked her if class hadn’t been interrupted.

“Hubert,” Edelgard said. “Section six here, I’m troubled by the wording. I think it would be too easy to find a loophole.” She handed the papers back to Hubert and spared the quickest of glances at Ferdinand, brief so that only he caught it. “Take Ferdinand and re-phrase it. Together, the two of you will cover every angle.”

Inwardly, Ferdinand wanted to scream. Edelgard had betrayed him. But outwardly, he gave her a polite smile and bowed. Dorothea and Hilda smothered their Cheshire grins.

“Come along, Hubert, let us away from this rabble,” Ferdinand announced, breezing past him and out the door. Hubert bowed to Edelgard, nodded to Dorothea and Hilda, then followed shortly after.

A beat of silence lingered in the drawing room.

“Okay, so, we’re totally going after them, right?” Hilda asked.

Dorothea shook her head. “No, we can’t to that! Invade their privacy? We already pushed Ferdie pretty hard today.”

Edelgard stood and brushed off her lap. “Well, I’m going to check in on them. You two may join me if you are feeling so inclined.”

“Edie!” Dorothea said. “You can’t just…you’re the Emperor! You can’t just spy on your friends!”

“We’re not _spying_ on them,” Edelgard clarified. “We’re helping Ferdinand with his practical exam. For class. In fact, it’s imperative that we go along.”

Hilda giggled. “Yes! How are you going to grade your student fairly if you don’t watch him, Dorothea?”

Dorothea sighed. “Alright, fine. Let’s go watch this crash and burn.”

* * *

Ferdinand had always fancied himself a quick learner, but he was beginning to wonder if he wasn’t quick enough.

When he entered Hubert’s study, he had flipped his hair over his shoulder, just as Dorothea had done. It was an impressive imitation for having been done without practice. But Hubert hadn’t seen it at all, gliding past him and straight to his desk.

No matter. Ferdinand would have ample opportunities.

Hubert gathered a few items from his desk and put them down on his table, gesturing for Ferdinand to take the second chair. He did, waiting to be certain Hubert was looking at him before flipping his hair again. Hubert’s eyebrows crinkled together slightly, but otherwise he had no reaction. Perhaps Ferdinand needed to be bolder.

“I believe paragraph three is a bit vague,” Hubert commented, flipping through. “What do you think?”

Ferdinand, in a clever moment of improvisation, scooted his chair closer to get a better angle on the document. He and Hubert’s shoulders were almost touching, which was brilliant, until he realized that he and Hubert’s _shoulders_ were almost _touching_. He felt suddenly very warm.

Ferdinand pulled a bit at his collar, realized he should try and use his hair again, and turned it into what he supposed was a twirl, spinning a lock around his forefinger.

“Ferdinand?” Hubert asked.

“Right, yes, the document,” Ferdinand said. He brought a hand up to his bangs and ran it through slowly, letting his curls slip through his fingers.

“Are you quite alright?” Hubert asked. “You cannot seem to stop touching your hair.”

Ferdinand jolted. Had it been too much? Dorothea hadn’t explained he could be too much. “Well, I, ah…” he trailed off. How exactly could he explain? _I find myself rather fancying you so I thought I might try flirtatious techniques,_ was far too bold, and _I’m trying to flirt because I am in love with you,_ was utterly idiotic. Perhaps he could settle for something akin to a half truth, such as _I was hoping more people would notice my hair_ , or _I was told my hair is lovely and I am attempting to test it out_ , but those seemed too arrogant, reminiscent of something he would have said in his youth.

Hubert chuckled, and reached out his hand towards Ferdinand. He seized a lock of his hair between his thumb and forefinger, which stuttered Ferdinand’s heart.

Then Hubert brought the lock up to his nose and breathed deeply, which killed Ferdinand’s thoughts altogether.

“Alas,” Hubert said. “I thought perhaps you hadn’t washed it as well as you like, but your hair is flawless as usual.”

“F-flawless?” Ferdinand choked, voice barely a whisper.

Hubert watched the end of the hair slide through his fingers as he let it go. “Surely you know,” he said, trying to sound annoyed and impatient. “Your hair is mesmerizing.”

Ferdinand had died and ascended into the domain of the goddess.

Mesmerizing? Mesmerizing. _Mesmerizing_. Perhaps if he said the word enough it would lose its power, lose its hold over his mind and traitorous, erratic heart. Hubert had himself said he was unskilled in flattery, but here he was calling Ferdinand things like “flawless” and “mesmerizing”.

How was he supposed to react to _this!?_ Dorothea’s lessons hadn’t covered what to do when Hubert actually flirted back with him. In fact, he had almost assumed he wouldn’t. What was it that Edelgard had said? The image of Hubert flirting was amusing? Ferdinand would use many words for this situation, but never ‘amusing’.

No, he had it wrong, surely. Assuming Hubert was flirting back was arrogant. Hubert observed and assessed others objectively, without emotion or attachment. It was a part of Hubert Ferdinand admired. He was merely stating facts.

No, no, that made it _worse._ If Hubert thought that Ferdinand’s hair was subjectively mesmerizing, well, then that could change based on who saw it and the light in the room, affected by many variables. Subjectively mesmerizing meant Hubert could say he didn’t think it was, but that others did. Objectively? That was so much worse. The idea that no matter how Hubert reasoned or observed, there was no denying it? Hilda had said his hair was pretty, but that was completely different from _Hubert_ deeming it _mesmerizing._

“Ferdinand?” Hubert asked. Ferdinand jumped. “Say something. Your silence is unnerving.”

‘Say something’? What? What could he say that made any sense in this situation? He’d told Hubert before that his compliments were terrifying, and that had only grown more true with time. Why couldn’t Hubert have said something like ‘let your hair alone, it’s distracting’ or ‘would you focus on our damn paperwork already’, something normal and harsh and not heart-electrifying.

 _Say something,_ Ferdinand told himself. _Anything._ There had to be something. What would Professor Dorothea say?

Hubert leaned in closer, so, so close. “Ferdinand?”

“Blend my southern fruit!”

Ferdinand craved death.

Hubert stared at him, stunned, eyes wide and brow ridges flown up to his forehead.

“I have just realized I have a pressing matter that requires immediate attention: my death. If you’ll excuse me.” He stood, knocking the chair over with a loud clatter.

Beyond the door to Hubert’s study, bursts of laughter cackled. Indignant, Ferdinand stood and marched to the door, finding it slightly ajar. He yanked it open and Dorothea, Hilda, and Edelgard tumbled into the room. 

“If you have any questions regarding my behavior, you may answer to these three,” Ferdinand accused, glaring down at them. Dorothea had the decency to look apologetic, but Edelgard and Hilda continued laughing. He stepped over them and ran as fast and as far as he could.

Hubert was still stuck stunned in his chair, looking to the empty space where Ferdinand had been. Dorothea and Edelgard stood, but Hilda continued cackling on the floor.

“Told you the line would work,” Edelgard said, quite pleased with herself.

“Hubie, this is my fault,” Dorothea tried to explain. Hubert wasn’t listening.

“I’m curious, what grade would you give him on his test today?” Edelgard asked. Dorothea tried to look angry, but the amusement still lingered on her face.

Hilda stopped suddenly and sat up. “Oh shoot. This means I owe Claude 100G.”

“You were _betting_ on Ferdie?” Dorothea asked.

“Technically I was betting that Hubert would turn him down. So much for that.” Hilda stood and dusted herself off. “I guess I should go find him. I wanna spill all the juicy details.”

Hilda waved her goodbyes then wandered off to find Claude.

“I should find Claude as well,” Edelgard noted. “He owes me 100G.”

“ _You_ were betting on him too!?” Dorothea said.

“Well, when I’d heard Ferdinand was to be my classmate, I knew exactly what was happening. Seems Claude thought it could have gone either way, and made bets with both Hilda and I, guaranteeing a net zero change in his income. One of his tackier schemes, if you ask me.”

Dorothea shook her head. “Is that why you gave Ferdie and Hubie that paperwork to do?”

“Oh, right, that,” Edelgard said. “Hubert, you can forget the tax edits, I’ve changed my mind.”

“Yes, Lady Edelgard,” he answered, robotically, still staring at the spot Ferdinand had been.

“And Hubert,” she called to him. He finally looked up at her, as if realizing she had been there all along. “You’re welcome.”

With that, Edelgard took her leave.

Dorothea approached Hubert. He was always difficult to read, but now his expression was inscrutable. “Hubie, I’m sorry, I must’ve pushed him too hard. I’ll return your payment.”

Hubert shook his head. “Nonsense. I knew going into this transaction there was a risk of no return on my investment. Besides…” Hubert cleared his throat. “I’m not exactly complaining with the results.”

Dorothea blinked. “Oh?”

“Suffice it to say that was, erm…memorable.”

Dorothea giggled and swatted at his arm. “Hubie, keep it in your pants!”

He bristled. He’d forgotten that for all her shrewdness and reliability, asking Dorothea for favors came with the downside of her drama. When he’d heard about the flirting class, and who Edelgard’s classmate was, he might have offered a rare collection of sheet music in exchange for prodding Ferdinand in his direction.

Dorothea thought back to Ferdinand’s confession, the candor of it. He was too honest for his own good, she’d always thought. Or perhaps his honesty was what made him good. “You know,” she began, “maybe you should just drop all these games and pretenses. Tell him how you feel.”

Hubert laughed. “Have you forgotten whom you’re speaking with? Besides that, I doubt he’ll want to look me in the eyes again.” He said it airily, nonchalantly, but Dorothea knew acting when she saw it.

“He’s Ferdie. He’ll come around again,” she assured. “Though, if you’d like, perhaps I can get him to…take another practical exam again soon? If he succeeds, all the better for the two of you, and you won’t be so much trouble. And if he fails, well, I think we both have a vested interest in seeing that, yeah?”

Hubert chuckled. “A pleasure doing business with you, Ms. Arnault.”

When Dorothea returned to her makeshift classroom, she threw out her lesson plans. And began crafting new ones. 

**Author's Note:**

> But who does Edelgard have a crush on??? Place your bets! 
> 
> Special thanks to Jayy (twitter: @Jayysnest) for daring me to put the phrase "blend my southern fruit" into a fic somewhere. I have peaked as a writer with that line. I will never write anything better ever again.


End file.
